When is it okay to forgive?

A quote was made by former president Bill Clinton that sums up who we’ve become as a society.  The quote is simple.  He states; “We have gone from being a people centered society, to a money centered society”.  That resonates with a truth that cannot be ignored.  We live in a society where trust seems to have gone the way of the milkman, general stores and penny candy.  But just as trust has fallen by the wayside, another virtue has also followed the same path.  We are living in an era where grudges are easily held.  Anger over a misinterpreted word or action is allowed to fester instead of being addressed.  Valued friendships are compromised; relationships altered and family bonds are shattered because of something that someone may have done or said.

            We have a tendency to hold onto past hurts almost as if it were something of value; something that we claim instead of letting go of.  And most times, the reasoning is we want to prevent the actions or words of another from being repeated.  If the offense is grave, we will go to great lengths to remember what was done, living in the shadow of words and actions that may have shattered our psyche and peace of mind.  And when this happens, we fail to realize that whoever perpetrated the offense is off living their life; most times not giving you any thought; not because they aren’t aware of what they’ve said or done.  Most people aren’t stupid.  Many folks know when they’ve hurt someone else whether it’s been done purposefully or not.  Most people are surrounded by friends and associates that if made aware of the offense, will actually tell the individual what they’ve done.  It is up to that individual to take action and do whatever it takes to right the wrong.  And some people will…and some people won’t.

            The challenge seems to be what to do when someone tries to make amends for the wrong they’ve done.  Exactly when is it okay to forgive?  Is it based upon the relationship that you have with the offender?  Is it easier to forgive a parent, sibling or spouse versus a friend, acquaintance or distant relative?  Do you forgive based on the gravity of the offense?  Is it easier to forgive someone who gossips about you versus someone that rejects your love?  Only you can answer that question.

            Oprah Winfrey broadcast a show where she discussed this very topic.  She stated that she had been out with a friend of hers one afternoon when she saw someone that had wronged her.  She watched as the individual laughed while her stomach did somersaults.  She was so consumed with anger at what they had either done or said that she couldn’t see straight; and then it slowly dawned upon her that the only person that was upset in this scenario was her.  The other person was laughing having a wonderful afternoon…going into a jewelry store of all places!  The other person had probably not given her any thought since the incident in question.  Whether right or wrong, the person had elected to go on with their lives while Oprah remained in a state of anger.  It was in that moment that she decided to forgive the individual, and once she had done so, the power that the offending party once had over her dissipated.

            Many people think that forgiving someone that wronged them is for the other person, but it really isn’t.  Forgiving someone who has hurt you is for you because what you are doing is giving yourself the gift of freedom.  That person cannot hurt you anymore.  If that person never comes to you to ask for forgiveness, it’s okay because you’ve already unshackled yourself in a manner of speaking.  Most people need to hear the “I’m sorry” before they can forgive, but one thing that you need to understand if you haven’t already is that everyone isn’t necessarily capable of acknowledging when they hurt you.  In fact, some people may legitimately not be aware that they have wronged you in any way, shape or form.  Some people may not be able to understand that they’ve wronged you, and no matter what you or anyone else says, they will hold onto to their perception of innocence because they are simply hard-wired to do so.

            No matter who you’re dealing with, you have a choice; because life is in part all about the choices you make.  You can choose to be upset for the rest of the day, week, month, year or years; or you can make the conscious choice to forgive the person that hurt you.  And what about forgiving but not forgetting?  Is that just another way of not forgiving the person?  That’s a good question, but the simple truth of the matter is that if you find yourself constantly reliving the offense in the guise of not forgetting, then you really haven’t forgiven them.  It’s okay to remember, but it’s not okay to fixate on the offense so much and so often that you wind up becoming upset all over again.

            Now when should you forgive someone and why?  Well we know the why, but what about the when?  Who is entitled to forgiveness?  What offenses warrant forgiveness and are there instances where it is okay to hold a grudge?  What happens when a husband cheats on his wife?  What happens when someone takes a life?  What happens when your very faith in humanity is put to the test?  What happens then?

            Forgiveness isn’t easy.  In fact, forgiveness at times can be the hardest thing that you can do.  And it doesn’t end with simply forgiving the person that has hurt you.  Sometimes, you may have to forgive them for the same thing repeatedly.  That is called “walking in” forgiveness.

            There will come a time when you will walk in those steps and you will fall.  Your anger may come back with a vengeance.  You may feel comfortable in just being angry at the person; and if that works for you, that’s okay.  Just remember that forgiveness is a gift that you are deserving of.  It’s all a part of loving yourself.  No one has the right to take away your sense of self-worth or well-being.  You have the right to walk upright and you also have the right to feel good, each and every day.

            So here’s the question that only you can answer for you:  When is it truly okay for you to forgive?