Finding Yourself!

I went to my old church yesterday to attend a going home service for one of the priests that served there for many years.  I left this church many years ago...so long ago that I almost forgot the reason why.  But it hit me as I walked through the front doors.  The decor was the same and so were the feelings that came flooding back to me.  I walked up the aisle to see a long time member of the choir that I had been privileged to sing with for over 11 years.  I was asked to put on a choir robe and sing at this service...something that I wasn't prepared to do.  It wasn't until later that I found out that the priest had made the request for all of the members of the choir to get back together to sing at his service ahead of time...and so as I stood on the altar alongside old choir members and we sang, I could feel silent tears sliding my face.  I wiped them away before anyone could see them fall.  All of my emotions were on overload...all of the practices, the friendships, following God together...it was all gone.  And I was feeling the loss.

One of the former choir members had come up to me after the service and asked me to come back.  She smiled and said that there was always a place for me there...that this was my home.  And my heart broke all over again.  And as I drove home, I thought to myself that I am still finding me.

You see, in addition to this church...this place that had been my church home for so many years past when I was a completely different person,something else of importance was taking place.   I was now talking to my partner about going my own way.  It would take up too much space in this blog to tell you why we were having this conversation, but the bottom line was that I had lost myself...and now I  needed to find me again.

I lost myself in love, in my career, in my job and everything that I thought I was supposed to be was in direct conflict with who I was becoming. So now I'm requesting a do-over.  I had to put the brakes on everything and re-analyze why things weren't going the way I wanted them to go.  I had to reclaim what was mine.  Being an author is only part of who I am.  Being a writer fits the bill more succinctly.  Being the man that God intended me to be is of most importance.  Now, I have to figure out who that person is and then step my game up to becoming it.

As far as going back to that church...maybe I'll go to church next Sunday...not to sing, but to sit and worship!