Earlier today, I had a conversation with one of the authors whose work I had the privilege of reviewing. It was through our initial interaction that we planted the seeds of what I hope to be an honest to goodness friendship as well as establishing a business collaboration on issues that we both hold dear to our hearts. She has a newsletter that she distributes several times during the year where she provides messages of empowerment to the people that need it the most.
Recently, she wanted to do something different with her newsletter; perhaps shifting the direction without changing its purpose. She wanted to incorporate the views of men to her readership. Since the crux of her followers are women, her main contributors have been women; and although she was content with delivering the messages of hope and forgiveness, she wanted to do more. And then she thought, 'What better way to shake things up than to bring on the viewpoints of men?' The only criteria was that the men needed to have a message that coincided with the original purpose of the newsletter. There had to be a redemptive quality to the work submitted.
As we talked today, we both took note that one of the things that is needed now more than ever for men overall and men of color in particular is a message of empowerment. We realized that there are men in our society that don't always feel like they have the power to do the things required of them as men, such as taking care of their families and their spouses. It was during this conversation that we realized that black men in particular are disproportionately affected in this regard; but much of it has to do with what we need to unlearn.
We acknowledged that long ago, the choices of black men were few; and because of those lack of choices there was a certain "hardening" of heart that needed to be instilled in us. I realize that when I blast this out on Twitter, I may lose some followers that may not subscribe to this ideology. I may even be passed off as being another black man that needs to regurgitate the crimes inflicted on African American men. Believe me, that's not my intention.
But the simple truth of the matter is that Black men have been challenged for generations; so much that we had to be taught to be tough from a very young age. Our mothers knew that the moment they gave birth to a black male child, that boy will have the odds stacked against him just for being black; so they taught them to "not feel". Don't respond when injustices are done to you. Be tough and don't feel anything because if you don't feel anything it will hurt less. And indeed, that ideology worked...for a while.
But times have changed even though Black men remain challenged. What has been instilled in us for survival purposes needs to be "tweeked" just a bit. Now, we need to unlearn some of what has been instilled in us. The world is hard. We all know it. Many of us have experienced its harsh realities...myself included. But one of the things that comes up repeatedly is the ability for men to be able to disconnect from not only the harsh realities that make up our worlds, but to also disconnect from the people that we claim to love the most. Many of us have lost track of the hidden treasures of our spouses, family and children. We've somehow allowed the "hardening" of our spirits to enter into our homes instead of protecting us from the harsh realities of life.
Times have been difficult for all of us. It's been rough and we are all still struggling and its no secret that many of us are still hurting. But with all of that being said, we (and by we I mean all men) have the power to unlearn what was taught to them. We live in an imperfect world filled with imperfect people, but we don't have to be so tough and so hard that we forget that we are human beings built with the capacity to love one another. I'm not telling you not to be tough as much as I'm telling you WHEN to be tough. Vulnerability comes when you love and trust someone because they can hurt you in a way that no one else can...but if they are worth the love you give, then they probably wouldn't hurt you at all...at least not intentionally.
Maybe it's time that we learn how to truly love the ones who love us unconditionally. Maybe it's time that we learn to love ourselves the same way that our mothers have loved us. Maybe it's time for us to take our rightful place as leaders in our homes and in doing that, we unlearn the "hardening" that has been instilled in us. Maybe, it's time that we lead with love.
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