I've become somewhat obsessed with image lately. I've thought from time to time how the world may view me as opposed to how I view myself...and for good reason. You never know what's going on in the mind of someone that you've known for years much less the person that you may have just met. I've been thinking about this lately because gauging people is not my strong suit. Sometimes I guess...and many times I've been wrong on both the good and the bad.
As I continue to put myself out there and step up my game in the eye of the media, I keep thinking about how I want myself to be perceived. Recently, I've run into people that I've known for a long time, and I'm still surprised by the responses that I get, which is often different than the one that I initially received. In making contact with people that I used to work with, I've found that people that I thought were my friends...or even friendly, greet me with a smile that isn't as genuine as I thought it was. Our conversations are brief. I tell them how I'm doing; that things are fine and that I'm trying to forge a living doing what I love as opposed to working the traditional 9-5. I don't know if they think that I'm bragging or that I'm making more out of myself than I really am, but the simple truth is, all I'm doing is trying to get caught up. Would it be any different if the job that I was doing now were a nine to five? I don't know.
I ran into a former business associate who talked with me at length. And for just a moment, it felt so good to relive the good parts of what made our relationship so special. I thought that maybe we could just put aside our respective differences and start a new friendship; I mean after all, we had a good friendship at one time, didn't we? To my surprise, there was nothing after the conversation was done. It was as if we were putting on a facade of "it's-so-good-to-see-you-how-have-you-been?" Needless to say, we didn't keep in contact...so I let it go.
So what's the deal? Is perception really 99% reality? Do we remember the person that we knew as well as the experiences associated with them or do we try to get to know the person that is? I mean, isn't it true that we aren't the same person that we were six months ago much less six years ago? And if that's true, do we try to right wrongs and renew friendships, or do we just leave things in the past?
Are people really hard-wired to remember the bad instead of the good? And if we made a mistake six years ago, is it fair to still be held to that mistake even to this day? I don't know. Many of you will probably say that it depends on what was done or said. Some of you may even think, "why waste your time on the past? Leave it alone!"
But as I write this, I think, "how do you want to be perceived?" And then I follow it up with this thought which probably answers the question succinctly: People are always going to think what they want no matter what you do. If you succeed in what you are trying to accomplish, no matter how many well wishers you have, you're always going to have a small percentage of them saying that you "think you're this or that!" You can put yourself out there in the best possible light, but sometimes people will only measure by the same gauge that they measure themselves...and you will never know how great or small that gauge may be.
Perception really is 99% reality, but it doesn't have to be your reality. Let it be theirs if it does you harm. You can't stop people from thinking what they think...especially if it's negative. You can only continue to put yourself out there, not make any apologies for who you are especially if it doesn't harm anyone else. But in the event that you do harm someone else, you can apologize and hope that they put it behind them and see you for who you are as well as who you are trying to become...which hopefully is the best of you, and not the worst of you!
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Monday, November 7, 2011
Meeting of the Minds
Meeting of the Minds
When the doorbell rang, Joshua climbed down from the sofa
and raced to the door. Taylor sprinted behind him, scooped him up
in her arms and gave Jai a cautious look. Heʼd spoken to her,
telling her everything that Tim had told him. She listened quietly
but what she wanted to do was tell him what she thought was going
on with Trenace.
After she answered all Marlaʼs questions, she left the police
station feeling more disturbed. She phoned Liza as she drove back
to the office and told her Trenace was officially listed as missing
and that there was an ongoing investigation. She told Liza that she
felt that something bad happened to Trenace. Once she arrived,
she printed a hard copy of the article that Trenace had submitted,
gathered the personal contact information, and dropped everything
off at the police station on her way home from work. That was
three hours ago. Once she arrived at home, Jai told her about
Nate because he wanted her to take the baby into the bedroom
while he, Ryan and Nate talked. He knew there would probably be
a loud argument in their apartment tonight.
Jai stood up from the couch and walked to the front door as
Taylor carried Joshua to their bedroom. He opened the door and
saw Ryan standing there with hands by his side instead of Nate.
“Hey man.” Jai gave Ryan a quick hug.
Ryan returned the hug and patted his brother on his back
quickly and entered the apartment as Jai closed and locked the
door.
“So whatʼs going on?” Ryan asked, removing his leather
jacket. “Does this have anything to do with the phone call that you
made to me the other day?”
Jai nodded, and sat down on the sofa.
“Okay.” Ryan said as he headed toward the kitchen. “Let me
get something to drink and Iʼll be right with you.”
“Be my guest.” Jai sat down. “You have a choice of water,
juice or light beer.” Jai listened to Ryan rummaging in the
refrigerator, finding a light beer. Jai raised an eyebrow as his
brother sat down beside him. “I thought that I would need it.” Ryan
managed a small smile.
“You may, man. You just may.”
“So whatʼs the deal? Whatʼs Nate doing?”
“Selling drugs.”
Ryan looked ahead, focused on nothing in particular. He took
a long swig of his beer and then shook his head slowly.
Jai decided to push on since the news wasnʼt going to get any
better. “Heʼs deep into this Ryan. Itʼs not like heʼs just selling a few
bags of whatever to crackheads. Heʼs a little higher up in the food
chain. Thereʼs someone by the name of Marco Carrera that Nate is
supposed to be working for and this guy is a heavy hitter and he
has a crooked cop trying to bust him. Itʼs just a matter of time
before he winds up in jail or dead.”
“Dead?”
“Thereʼs some kind of drug war heating up where Nate does
his business.”
“And how do you know all of this?”
“One of the partnerʼs at the firm told me. The crooked cop is a
friend of his.”
“And you trust him?”
“Tim has no reason to lie to me.”
“Tim? As in Tim Walsh?” He took another sip of beer and
leaned back into the sofa.
Jai nodded.
“And the crooked cop is his friend?” Ryan asked
disbelievingly.
“Umm hmmm.”
“And you believe him?”
“I met him. Heʼs a real ass. Heʼs got it out for Nate because
he wanted a piece of Nateʼs action and Nate told him ʻno.ʼ”
“So what are we supposed to do?”
“Convince Nate to get out of the business.”
Ryan smirked while shaking his head in disbelief. He took
another sip of his beer and then began to speak.
“You canʼt be serious man. Please tell me youʼre not for real.”
“If dad were alive, he would want us to do this.”
Ryan stood up slowly from the sofa.
“If Dad were alive, Nate wouldnʼt be into this at all.”
“Whatʼs up with that man?” Jai asked. “What do you mean?”
“Nate and Dad were close. Dad would have seen this coming
and he would have nipped it in the bud. He would have made Nate
carry his dumb ass to school and make something of his life.”
“Itʼs that kind of thinking that probably made him turn to that
type of life in the first place.” Jai said with just the slightest hint of
anger in his voice.
“Whatʼs that supposed to mean?”
“Nate wasnʼt the ʻbook-smartʼ type. Calling him a dumb ass
isnʼt going to help the matter any.”
“All Iʼm saying is that weʼre responsible for the choices that we
make. In order to make those choices we have to have the proper
guidance. Dad could influence Nate in a way that Momma never
could.”
“So youʼre saying that Nateʼs being into what heʼs into is Dadʼs
fault; because he wasnʼt here?”
“No, thatʼs not what Iʼm saying. Iʼm saying that if he were
alive, Nate would probably not have chosen the path that heʼs on
right now.”
“I suppose then that he could say the same thing about you.”
Ryan shot him a look of defiance before taking a gulp of beer.
“Being gay and being a thug are two different things! Being gay
isnʼt a choice any more than me having darker skin and brown
eyes.”
“I know Rye.” Jai responded gently. “But some people think
that itʼs about choice. Maybe Nate didnʼt feel as if he had one.
Whatever the reason that heʼs into what heʼs into isnʼt important.
We have to make him let it go.”
“You think heʼs gonna listen to us?”
“Anything is a start. He has to know that we care and that we
have his back. I think that Dad wouldʼve wanted us to do this. Isnʼt
that what being brotherʼs is all about?”
“Itʼs about a lot of things Jai.” Ryan scratched his head
absently. “I donʼt know man. Yeah, Dad wouldʼve wanted us to
unite and pull him out of dealing, but letʼs keep it real, Nateʻs a
grown man just like we are. Heʼs gonna do what he wants to do no
matter what we say.”
“We still have to try.”
For about a minute, the room was completely silent. Jai stared
at Ryan and then looked at the clock on the DVD player.
“Whatʼre you thinking?” Jai asked as Ryan sat down on the
sofa.
“Iʼm thinking about when times were good like when Dad was
alive and when we used to clown on each other.” He looked over
at his brother. “Every now and again, I miss those times.”
Jai nodded sadly.
“Me too.” He murmured. “Remember when he used to give us
money and send us to the Esquire movie theatre on Sundays?”
“Yeah.” Ryan said and managed a small smile. “We saw
Shaft, Cleopatra Jones, Sheba Baby and Coffy.”
“Mom used to get pissed because we were only supposed to
see the matinee and always wound up seeing the main feature.
She was never down for us seeing anything rated ʻRʼ.”
“She still isnʼt.” And then they both chuckled lightly
“Tell me something Jai. How did we drift so far apart?”
Jai looked down at the plush carpeting before rising to his feet,
crossing the room and turning on the stereo. “Weʼre not as far
apart as you may think. If we were, then we wouldnʼt be here now.”
“Nateʼs not here yet though.”
“He will be. My gut tells me that heʼll show. We donʼt break
promises to each other. You want another beer?”
“Sounds good.”
“You know, he came by my office today.” Jai said heading
toward the small kitchen. “He probably already knows that we
know.”
“And whyʼs that?”
“He wants me and Tim to stop talking to Prescott.”
“Who the hell is Prescott?”
“Prescott is the crooked cop.” Jai said returning to the living
room holding two open bottles of beer. “It came out like a threat
but he wants us to stop dealing with Prescott. Heʼs going to have
to explain that one.” He handed Ryan one of the bottles, and then
lifted the other to his lips.
“And what about this drug war that you mentioned earlier?
Whatʼs up with that, Jai?”
“From what I understand, this guy Marco Carrera is supposed
to be a heavy hitter in the trade. I donʼt know how big he is but I
get the impression that heʼs pretty high up. He and some Italian fat
cat are getting ready to go to war but I donʼt know why.”
“Money probably.” Ryan said. “And I think that the term that
youʼre looking for is drug lord.”
“Drug lord?”
Ryan nodded.
“This doesnʼt look good. But I guess we wonʼt know anything
really until we talk to Nate. Heʼs the only one that can tell us who
these people are.” He took a sip of his beer and fondled his finely
contoured beard. “Thatʼs assuming that he will. Donʼt be surprised
if he doesnʼt.”
“And so what is this? Meeting of the minds?” The female
voice asked from across the room.
Jai and Ryan turned their attention to the doorway that led into
Joshuaʼs room. Taylor stood there with her arms folded across her
chest.
“I figured that it was safe since I didnʼt hear any shouting or
furniture being moved.” She entered the room, but not before
Joshua shot around and past her, heading straight for Ryan. Ryan
stood, picked him up and raised Joshua above his head. Joshua
giggled as his uncle lowered him to his face and planted a kiss on
his cheek. “Whatʼs up Lil Man?” He said, and set him down on the
floor.
“Mommy wuz readinʼ a stowy.” He pointed toward Taylor.
“Yeah. Iʼm reading him a story, watching a video of Sponge
Bob and playing a game, in five minutes flat.” Taylor walked over
to Ryan and hugged him. “How are you, Jaiʼs brother?”
“Pretty good….and you, Jaiʼs lover?” He pushed her away
from him, holding her at armʼs length and then reached down and
took her left hand.
It took her a second or two before she realized that he was
looking at her ring finger.
“Sweet.” Ryan said, admiring the ring. “Love the way it
sparkles.” He looked back at Jai. “You got good taste in jewelry
Dawg!”
“You better believe it.” Jai smiled broadly.
The doorbell ringing sounded through the apartment,
momentarily silencing everyone. Ryan shrugged his shoulders and
then started towards the front door.
“Letʼs get this party started.” He said more to himself than
anyone else, not realizing that Joshua was tagging along behind
him.
“Hey Little Man!” Taylor called.
Joshua stopped in his tracks, turned to look at Taylor just as
Ryan opened the front door. Nate stood in the outer hallway; the
outside light glinting from his head as he stepped around Ryan
without saying a word.
“Unca Nate!” Joshua raced to him. Nate picked him up with a
smile, gave him a quick kiss and then put him back down. “Whatʼs
up Shorty?” He sounded as if he were genuinely glad to see him.
“Fine. Mommy wuz readinʼ a stowy ta me.” He turned his face
up to him and smiled.
“Come on Joshua. Back to the room.” Taylor extended her
hand to him as she cut her eyes to Nate. “Hi Nate.”
Nate nodded his head at her just as Joshua took her hand and
they walked back into his bedroom. Taylor closed the door
soundlessly behind her.
For a moment, the three of them just looked at each other
without saying a word. Nate looked down at the floor and then
directly at Jai.
“You think about what I said?” He said with finality.
“You want something to drink?” Jai asked.
“Naw. Look, I just wanted to make sure that you took what I
asked you earlier today to heart.”
“Who is Marco Carrera?” Jai asked from his seat on the sofa.
“And you might as well take off your coat and sit down because this
is going to be a long session.”
“What the fuck is this, some cross examination?” Nate almost
recoiled. “Look, I just came to say what I had to say and then Iʼm
out.”
“No.” Jaiʼs voice came out so calm that Ryan had to look at
him. “No, youʼre not going to bounce. We got some business to
discuss.”
“No business that concerns me.”
“You donʼt think so? Why donʼt you tell me who Prescott is?
And while youʼre at it, you might as well tell me who Carrera is.
And when you do, donʼt stop there; tell me what you do for a living.”
“All you got to know is that you got to leave Prescott alone.
Thatʼs all Iʼve got to say on that, yaʻnoʼ what I mean?” But he had
said the last part of his sentence so quick that it sounded like “nawha-
I-mean”.
“Fuck it!” Ryan interjected. “Nate, are you dealinʼ?”
Nate cut his eyes at him for a second but didnʼt say a word.
Instead, he turned his attention back to Jai. “Jai, leave Prescott the
fuck alone before you get hurt! Iʼm serious!”
“Whoʼs gonna hurt me? Prescott or Carrera?”
“Itʼs not just you weʼre talking about.”
“Are we talking about Tim, Taylor, Joshua, Momma…What?
Whoʼs gonna get hurt and by whom? Because, if you donʼt start
answering some questions, then Iʼm going to go right down to
Prescottʼs office and ask him. Iʼm sure heʼll tell me what I need to
know.”
Nate stood in silence, his hands by his side, but he was
clenching his teeth. Ryan could see his jaw muscles working
overtime.
“Look Nate, weʼre here because we want to let you know that
weʼre family and weʼre here.” Ryan said in a controlled tone.
Nate ignored Ryan completely.
“Heʼs right you know.” Jai said without standing. “If you canʼt
depend on family, then who can you depend on?”
Nate chuckled to himself. Ryan and Jai looked at each other
as his chuckle became a low laugh.
“Did I say something funny?” Jai asked.
“What kind of shit are you trying to hit me with? What are we,
the fuckinʼ Brady Bunch now? You want to play ʻDadʼ now?” He
began to laugh. “Aw shit! Thatʼs fuckinʼ funny!”
“Why donʼt you let us in on the joke?” Jai said, annoyed.
“Look man, just stay away from Prescott. I did what I said that
I was gonna do. I came by here, now I gotta go!”
“So family is funny to you?” Ryan almost demanded. “Blood
donʼt mean anything?”
“You know what, fuck you Ryan! Mind your fuckinʼ business
before I slap you like one of my hoes!”
“If you think you can do it…” Ryan extended his arms to either
side of him. “The only thing between us is air brutha! Take your
best shot!”
Jai leapt up from the sofa and stood between them.
“This is not what weʼre supposed to be doing!” He said
quickly. “And nobody is swinging in my house unless itʼs me! Do
both of you understand that!”
“Hey, you know, fuck you too Jai!” Nateʼs voice began to rise
with anger. “You want to sit here and play big brother when you
havenʼt played that role in over ten fuckinʼ years! Fuck you and that
little bitch over there!”
Ryan took two steps towards Nate who didnʼt move an inch.
Jai blocked him, staring him in the face. “We arenʼt doing this
today!” Jai said low and evenly and then turned to Nate. “I donʼt
know what your problem is man. Most folks would really appreciate
having someone have their back and here you have your family
telling you to your face that theyʼre gonna be there for you no
matter what!”
“No! What youʼre trying to do is get in my business! What you
forget is that Daddy is dead! And when he died, so did your role as
a brother! Donʼt talk to me about family! Where the fuck were you
when all the shit was going on around me!”
“What the hell are you talkinʼ about?” Now it was Jaiʼs turn to
get pissed.
“You were never there! Never! You were always too fuckinʼ
busy! You didnʼt give two shits about family then…so donʼt start
talkinʼ this family bullshit now!” He whirled on Ryan. “And you,
suckinʼ dick and tellinʼ everybody like you proud of that shit!! Like
itʼs normal! Well fuck both yaʼll!” He turned to walk towards the
front door.
Jai grabbed him by the elbow. “Just like that! You want to
walk out, just say what you want and thatʼs the end of it? What
about you?”
“What about me?!”
“Maybe we make mistakes but, it isnʼt like weʼre the only ones
that made them! You make them too! We all do!”
“Yeah? Well, I ainʼt makinʼ no mistake now! Get the fuck off
me and do as I told you!”
“You know, I always thought that you were an asshole!” Ryan
said as Nate whipped the door open. “This just confirms it!”
Nate snatched his arm away from Jai and stormed from the
apartment. Ryan and Jai looked at each other and took a moment
to cool down. Jai closed the apartment door slowly.
“That went well.” Ryan said, as he crossed the room to seat
himself on the sofa.
When the doorbell rang, Joshua climbed down from the sofa
and raced to the door. Taylor sprinted behind him, scooped him up
in her arms and gave Jai a cautious look. Heʼd spoken to her,
telling her everything that Tim had told him. She listened quietly
but what she wanted to do was tell him what she thought was going
on with Trenace.
After she answered all Marlaʼs questions, she left the police
station feeling more disturbed. She phoned Liza as she drove back
to the office and told her Trenace was officially listed as missing
and that there was an ongoing investigation. She told Liza that she
felt that something bad happened to Trenace. Once she arrived,
she printed a hard copy of the article that Trenace had submitted,
gathered the personal contact information, and dropped everything
off at the police station on her way home from work. That was
three hours ago. Once she arrived at home, Jai told her about
Nate because he wanted her to take the baby into the bedroom
while he, Ryan and Nate talked. He knew there would probably be
a loud argument in their apartment tonight.
Jai stood up from the couch and walked to the front door as
Taylor carried Joshua to their bedroom. He opened the door and
saw Ryan standing there with hands by his side instead of Nate.
“Hey man.” Jai gave Ryan a quick hug.
Ryan returned the hug and patted his brother on his back
quickly and entered the apartment as Jai closed and locked the
door.
“So whatʼs going on?” Ryan asked, removing his leather
jacket. “Does this have anything to do with the phone call that you
made to me the other day?”
Jai nodded, and sat down on the sofa.
“Okay.” Ryan said as he headed toward the kitchen. “Let me
get something to drink and Iʼll be right with you.”
“Be my guest.” Jai sat down. “You have a choice of water,
juice or light beer.” Jai listened to Ryan rummaging in the
refrigerator, finding a light beer. Jai raised an eyebrow as his
brother sat down beside him. “I thought that I would need it.” Ryan
managed a small smile.
“You may, man. You just may.”
“So whatʼs the deal? Whatʼs Nate doing?”
“Selling drugs.”
Ryan looked ahead, focused on nothing in particular. He took
a long swig of his beer and then shook his head slowly.
Jai decided to push on since the news wasnʼt going to get any
better. “Heʼs deep into this Ryan. Itʼs not like heʼs just selling a few
bags of whatever to crackheads. Heʼs a little higher up in the food
chain. Thereʼs someone by the name of Marco Carrera that Nate is
supposed to be working for and this guy is a heavy hitter and he
has a crooked cop trying to bust him. Itʼs just a matter of time
before he winds up in jail or dead.”
“Dead?”
“Thereʼs some kind of drug war heating up where Nate does
his business.”
“And how do you know all of this?”
“One of the partnerʼs at the firm told me. The crooked cop is a
friend of his.”
“And you trust him?”
“Tim has no reason to lie to me.”
“Tim? As in Tim Walsh?” He took another sip of beer and
leaned back into the sofa.
Jai nodded.
“And the crooked cop is his friend?” Ryan asked
disbelievingly.
“Umm hmmm.”
“And you believe him?”
“I met him. Heʼs a real ass. Heʼs got it out for Nate because
he wanted a piece of Nateʼs action and Nate told him ʻno.ʼ”
“So what are we supposed to do?”
“Convince Nate to get out of the business.”
Ryan smirked while shaking his head in disbelief. He took
another sip of his beer and then began to speak.
“You canʼt be serious man. Please tell me youʼre not for real.”
“If dad were alive, he would want us to do this.”
Ryan stood up slowly from the sofa.
“If Dad were alive, Nate wouldnʼt be into this at all.”
“Whatʼs up with that man?” Jai asked. “What do you mean?”
“Nate and Dad were close. Dad would have seen this coming
and he would have nipped it in the bud. He would have made Nate
carry his dumb ass to school and make something of his life.”
“Itʼs that kind of thinking that probably made him turn to that
type of life in the first place.” Jai said with just the slightest hint of
anger in his voice.
“Whatʼs that supposed to mean?”
“Nate wasnʼt the ʻbook-smartʼ type. Calling him a dumb ass
isnʼt going to help the matter any.”
“All Iʼm saying is that weʼre responsible for the choices that we
make. In order to make those choices we have to have the proper
guidance. Dad could influence Nate in a way that Momma never
could.”
“So youʼre saying that Nateʼs being into what heʼs into is Dadʼs
fault; because he wasnʼt here?”
“No, thatʼs not what Iʼm saying. Iʼm saying that if he were
alive, Nate would probably not have chosen the path that heʼs on
right now.”
“I suppose then that he could say the same thing about you.”
Ryan shot him a look of defiance before taking a gulp of beer.
“Being gay and being a thug are two different things! Being gay
isnʼt a choice any more than me having darker skin and brown
eyes.”
“I know Rye.” Jai responded gently. “But some people think
that itʼs about choice. Maybe Nate didnʼt feel as if he had one.
Whatever the reason that heʼs into what heʼs into isnʼt important.
We have to make him let it go.”
“You think heʼs gonna listen to us?”
“Anything is a start. He has to know that we care and that we
have his back. I think that Dad wouldʼve wanted us to do this. Isnʼt
that what being brotherʼs is all about?”
“Itʼs about a lot of things Jai.” Ryan scratched his head
absently. “I donʼt know man. Yeah, Dad wouldʼve wanted us to
unite and pull him out of dealing, but letʼs keep it real, Nateʻs a
grown man just like we are. Heʼs gonna do what he wants to do no
matter what we say.”
“We still have to try.”
For about a minute, the room was completely silent. Jai stared
at Ryan and then looked at the clock on the DVD player.
“Whatʼre you thinking?” Jai asked as Ryan sat down on the
sofa.
“Iʼm thinking about when times were good like when Dad was
alive and when we used to clown on each other.” He looked over
at his brother. “Every now and again, I miss those times.”
Jai nodded sadly.
“Me too.” He murmured. “Remember when he used to give us
money and send us to the Esquire movie theatre on Sundays?”
“Yeah.” Ryan said and managed a small smile. “We saw
Shaft, Cleopatra Jones, Sheba Baby and Coffy.”
“Mom used to get pissed because we were only supposed to
see the matinee and always wound up seeing the main feature.
She was never down for us seeing anything rated ʻRʼ.”
“She still isnʼt.” And then they both chuckled lightly
“Tell me something Jai. How did we drift so far apart?”
Jai looked down at the plush carpeting before rising to his feet,
crossing the room and turning on the stereo. “Weʼre not as far
apart as you may think. If we were, then we wouldnʼt be here now.”
“Nateʼs not here yet though.”
“He will be. My gut tells me that heʼll show. We donʼt break
promises to each other. You want another beer?”
“Sounds good.”
“You know, he came by my office today.” Jai said heading
toward the small kitchen. “He probably already knows that we
know.”
“And whyʼs that?”
“He wants me and Tim to stop talking to Prescott.”
“Who the hell is Prescott?”
“Prescott is the crooked cop.” Jai said returning to the living
room holding two open bottles of beer. “It came out like a threat
but he wants us to stop dealing with Prescott. Heʼs going to have
to explain that one.” He handed Ryan one of the bottles, and then
lifted the other to his lips.
“And what about this drug war that you mentioned earlier?
Whatʼs up with that, Jai?”
“From what I understand, this guy Marco Carrera is supposed
to be a heavy hitter in the trade. I donʼt know how big he is but I
get the impression that heʼs pretty high up. He and some Italian fat
cat are getting ready to go to war but I donʼt know why.”
“Money probably.” Ryan said. “And I think that the term that
youʼre looking for is drug lord.”
“Drug lord?”
Ryan nodded.
“This doesnʼt look good. But I guess we wonʼt know anything
really until we talk to Nate. Heʼs the only one that can tell us who
these people are.” He took a sip of his beer and fondled his finely
contoured beard. “Thatʼs assuming that he will. Donʼt be surprised
if he doesnʼt.”
“And so what is this? Meeting of the minds?” The female
voice asked from across the room.
Jai and Ryan turned their attention to the doorway that led into
Joshuaʼs room. Taylor stood there with her arms folded across her
chest.
“I figured that it was safe since I didnʼt hear any shouting or
furniture being moved.” She entered the room, but not before
Joshua shot around and past her, heading straight for Ryan. Ryan
stood, picked him up and raised Joshua above his head. Joshua
giggled as his uncle lowered him to his face and planted a kiss on
his cheek. “Whatʼs up Lil Man?” He said, and set him down on the
floor.
“Mommy wuz readinʼ a stowy.” He pointed toward Taylor.
“Yeah. Iʼm reading him a story, watching a video of Sponge
Bob and playing a game, in five minutes flat.” Taylor walked over
to Ryan and hugged him. “How are you, Jaiʼs brother?”
“Pretty good….and you, Jaiʼs lover?” He pushed her away
from him, holding her at armʼs length and then reached down and
took her left hand.
It took her a second or two before she realized that he was
looking at her ring finger.
“Sweet.” Ryan said, admiring the ring. “Love the way it
sparkles.” He looked back at Jai. “You got good taste in jewelry
Dawg!”
“You better believe it.” Jai smiled broadly.
The doorbell ringing sounded through the apartment,
momentarily silencing everyone. Ryan shrugged his shoulders and
then started towards the front door.
“Letʼs get this party started.” He said more to himself than
anyone else, not realizing that Joshua was tagging along behind
him.
“Hey Little Man!” Taylor called.
Joshua stopped in his tracks, turned to look at Taylor just as
Ryan opened the front door. Nate stood in the outer hallway; the
outside light glinting from his head as he stepped around Ryan
without saying a word.
“Unca Nate!” Joshua raced to him. Nate picked him up with a
smile, gave him a quick kiss and then put him back down. “Whatʼs
up Shorty?” He sounded as if he were genuinely glad to see him.
“Fine. Mommy wuz readinʼ a stowy ta me.” He turned his face
up to him and smiled.
“Come on Joshua. Back to the room.” Taylor extended her
hand to him as she cut her eyes to Nate. “Hi Nate.”
Nate nodded his head at her just as Joshua took her hand and
they walked back into his bedroom. Taylor closed the door
soundlessly behind her.
For a moment, the three of them just looked at each other
without saying a word. Nate looked down at the floor and then
directly at Jai.
“You think about what I said?” He said with finality.
“You want something to drink?” Jai asked.
“Naw. Look, I just wanted to make sure that you took what I
asked you earlier today to heart.”
“Who is Marco Carrera?” Jai asked from his seat on the sofa.
“And you might as well take off your coat and sit down because this
is going to be a long session.”
“What the fuck is this, some cross examination?” Nate almost
recoiled. “Look, I just came to say what I had to say and then Iʼm
out.”
“No.” Jaiʼs voice came out so calm that Ryan had to look at
him. “No, youʼre not going to bounce. We got some business to
discuss.”
“No business that concerns me.”
“You donʼt think so? Why donʼt you tell me who Prescott is?
And while youʼre at it, you might as well tell me who Carrera is.
And when you do, donʼt stop there; tell me what you do for a living.”
“All you got to know is that you got to leave Prescott alone.
Thatʼs all Iʼve got to say on that, yaʻnoʼ what I mean?” But he had
said the last part of his sentence so quick that it sounded like “nawha-
I-mean”.
“Fuck it!” Ryan interjected. “Nate, are you dealinʼ?”
Nate cut his eyes at him for a second but didnʼt say a word.
Instead, he turned his attention back to Jai. “Jai, leave Prescott the
fuck alone before you get hurt! Iʼm serious!”
“Whoʼs gonna hurt me? Prescott or Carrera?”
“Itʼs not just you weʼre talking about.”
“Are we talking about Tim, Taylor, Joshua, Momma…What?
Whoʼs gonna get hurt and by whom? Because, if you donʼt start
answering some questions, then Iʼm going to go right down to
Prescottʼs office and ask him. Iʼm sure heʼll tell me what I need to
know.”
Nate stood in silence, his hands by his side, but he was
clenching his teeth. Ryan could see his jaw muscles working
overtime.
“Look Nate, weʼre here because we want to let you know that
weʼre family and weʼre here.” Ryan said in a controlled tone.
Nate ignored Ryan completely.
“Heʼs right you know.” Jai said without standing. “If you canʼt
depend on family, then who can you depend on?”
Nate chuckled to himself. Ryan and Jai looked at each other
as his chuckle became a low laugh.
“Did I say something funny?” Jai asked.
“What kind of shit are you trying to hit me with? What are we,
the fuckinʼ Brady Bunch now? You want to play ʻDadʼ now?” He
began to laugh. “Aw shit! Thatʼs fuckinʼ funny!”
“Why donʼt you let us in on the joke?” Jai said, annoyed.
“Look man, just stay away from Prescott. I did what I said that
I was gonna do. I came by here, now I gotta go!”
“So family is funny to you?” Ryan almost demanded. “Blood
donʼt mean anything?”
“You know what, fuck you Ryan! Mind your fuckinʼ business
before I slap you like one of my hoes!”
“If you think you can do it…” Ryan extended his arms to either
side of him. “The only thing between us is air brutha! Take your
best shot!”
Jai leapt up from the sofa and stood between them.
“This is not what weʼre supposed to be doing!” He said
quickly. “And nobody is swinging in my house unless itʼs me! Do
both of you understand that!”
“Hey, you know, fuck you too Jai!” Nateʼs voice began to rise
with anger. “You want to sit here and play big brother when you
havenʼt played that role in over ten fuckinʼ years! Fuck you and that
little bitch over there!”
Ryan took two steps towards Nate who didnʼt move an inch.
Jai blocked him, staring him in the face. “We arenʼt doing this
today!” Jai said low and evenly and then turned to Nate. “I donʼt
know what your problem is man. Most folks would really appreciate
having someone have their back and here you have your family
telling you to your face that theyʼre gonna be there for you no
matter what!”
“No! What youʼre trying to do is get in my business! What you
forget is that Daddy is dead! And when he died, so did your role as
a brother! Donʼt talk to me about family! Where the fuck were you
when all the shit was going on around me!”
“What the hell are you talkinʼ about?” Now it was Jaiʼs turn to
get pissed.
“You were never there! Never! You were always too fuckinʼ
busy! You didnʼt give two shits about family then…so donʼt start
talkinʼ this family bullshit now!” He whirled on Ryan. “And you,
suckinʼ dick and tellinʼ everybody like you proud of that shit!! Like
itʼs normal! Well fuck both yaʼll!” He turned to walk towards the
front door.
Jai grabbed him by the elbow. “Just like that! You want to
walk out, just say what you want and thatʼs the end of it? What
about you?”
“What about me?!”
“Maybe we make mistakes but, it isnʼt like weʼre the only ones
that made them! You make them too! We all do!”
“Yeah? Well, I ainʼt makinʼ no mistake now! Get the fuck off
me and do as I told you!”
“You know, I always thought that you were an asshole!” Ryan
said as Nate whipped the door open. “This just confirms it!”
Nate snatched his arm away from Jai and stormed from the
apartment. Ryan and Jai looked at each other and took a moment
to cool down. Jai closed the apartment door slowly.
“That went well.” Ryan said, as he crossed the room to seat
himself on the sofa.
Family Rifts
Years ago...many, many years ago...one of my brothers and I had a rift. You would think that out of my three younger brothers, the one that was right underneath me would have been the one that I had the most enduring relationship with. He was the one that took the trips with me to our grandparents farm every summer; and it was him that stayed by my side when we made these trips. I made sure that he was safe...made sure he was cared for...and overall, just enjoyed being in his company even if at times, he could work that last nerve.
Yet, as we grew older, we drifted apart. It was something that wasn't planned...it just happened. At eighteen, I left home. I wanted to find myself. I needed to find out who I was and discover what life held for me. Later, he told me that he resented being thrust into the position of being the "man of the house". I remember that while we were having this conversation and he conveyed to me what had been bothering him for years, I couldn't help but wonder who he thought played the role of the man of the house before the role had been thrust upon him. I suppose we both should have been angry with our father since the role clearly belonged to him, and he should have been there to lead, watch over and care for his family. As true as that is, I'll save that topic for another conversation. It would take too long to tackle that within the parameters of this blog.
The point is, my younger brother and I drifted apart to the point of hostility, and it took years before we were able to make our way back to one another. I know now that his reasoning for being upset with me wasn't because of the perception that he had a role thrust upon him that he didn't want. If that had been the case, it would have been simple to solve. It was more complicated than that...and one day, I'll share that with you as well. I guarantee that it will make for an interesting read as well as discussion.
The point is that brothers drift apart, and if they're lucky, they may find themselves back together again enjoying the brotherly bond that they once shared when they were children. My brothers know that I love them. I am fortunate enough to enjoy a distinctively different relationship with each of them..but each one reflects that bond that I believe most brothers share, and if they don't, they should. There's a reason why they say "blood is thicker than water."
But since we're human and humans being the imperfect creatures that they are are prone to mistakes and shortcomings. They say things that inflict pain...hold on to petty grudges, and can make life pretty miserable for one another.
As you read "Meeting of the Minds", you'll see the Whitfield Brothers at their best, and their worst. Men are men. They "flex" up on each other when it isn't needed only to love each other in the end. Here is a rift very similar to the one that I experienced with my own brother...a rift that has finally been healed.
Yet, as we grew older, we drifted apart. It was something that wasn't planned...it just happened. At eighteen, I left home. I wanted to find myself. I needed to find out who I was and discover what life held for me. Later, he told me that he resented being thrust into the position of being the "man of the house". I remember that while we were having this conversation and he conveyed to me what had been bothering him for years, I couldn't help but wonder who he thought played the role of the man of the house before the role had been thrust upon him. I suppose we both should have been angry with our father since the role clearly belonged to him, and he should have been there to lead, watch over and care for his family. As true as that is, I'll save that topic for another conversation. It would take too long to tackle that within the parameters of this blog.
The point is, my younger brother and I drifted apart to the point of hostility, and it took years before we were able to make our way back to one another. I know now that his reasoning for being upset with me wasn't because of the perception that he had a role thrust upon him that he didn't want. If that had been the case, it would have been simple to solve. It was more complicated than that...and one day, I'll share that with you as well. I guarantee that it will make for an interesting read as well as discussion.
The point is that brothers drift apart, and if they're lucky, they may find themselves back together again enjoying the brotherly bond that they once shared when they were children. My brothers know that I love them. I am fortunate enough to enjoy a distinctively different relationship with each of them..but each one reflects that bond that I believe most brothers share, and if they don't, they should. There's a reason why they say "blood is thicker than water."
But since we're human and humans being the imperfect creatures that they are are prone to mistakes and shortcomings. They say things that inflict pain...hold on to petty grudges, and can make life pretty miserable for one another.
As you read "Meeting of the Minds", you'll see the Whitfield Brothers at their best, and their worst. Men are men. They "flex" up on each other when it isn't needed only to love each other in the end. Here is a rift very similar to the one that I experienced with my own brother...a rift that has finally been healed.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
What makes an angry black man?
I thought long and hard before I decided to write about this topic. It's been sitting on me for quite some time now, and just like the tides of the sea, it comes and goes with a slight surge, and I then relive the feelings all over again. Now admittedly, the tide surges comes far and few between. Most of the time, I'm trying to live life on my own terms and make a place for myself in this world. I get so engrossed in figuring out what my next move will be to promote myself and my work that I forget how I wound up here. That is, until I have a conversation with someone who politely reminds me of how things are.
I wanted to write this because I think that it's important for people to know two things:
1. Not all black men are angry.
2. The ones that are have a reason to be.
I say these two things because I want people to understand that the mythology of the "angry black man" can be dismissed as someone who simply didn't get ahead because he chose not to claim what is his. To someone on the outside, the "angry black man" is only reaping the benefits of his work...or lack there of. The "angry black man" has been typecast as someone that wants a handout...someone that wants the free ride that he thinks his social counterparts have received already and he simply wants his fair share. That may be correct for some, but not for all.
You see, I realize that all I wanted in my life was to not be denied the opportunity to make the best of myself and be all that I can be; and to reap the rewards of my hard work. I thought that if I simply worked hard...perhaps harder than I ever did in my life, my efforts would be rewarded...but who would be rewarding me?
I understand now that my error was repeating the same mistakes over and over yet expecting a different result. Each time I started an entry level position, I began it with the hopes that if I worked hard, I would be rewarded with the recognition for my hard work and loyalty. But as the years passed me by, I realized that the recognition wouldn't come in the form that I thought it would...which is the outcome that was the norm some thirty years ago when hard work and loyalty were rewarded with promotions and raises.
Today, most companies look for a reason not to give you your just due while simultaneously looking for reasons for you to work twice as hard for the same wage. And this is not limited to black men...its to all men. Maybe this is the new norm...but it burns you out, and at some point, you're going to have to look at yourself in the mirror and decide what you want to do with yourself. Hopefully, you make the best decision that works for you.
But the one thing that I want people to understand is that the "angry black man" doesn't want a hand out. He doesn't want things to simply be given to him. That would be too easy. Instead, a man of substance wants to earn his way fairly. He just doesn't want his path blocked or made more difficult than it already has to be.
That had been my logic at one point in time. I don't want you to hand me the gold key...let me reach it on my own; just don't block my way if I get too close to it. Don't tell me that the sky is the limit as long as I should be content to look at it from the basement. That's not right or fair...and fairness is the key because that's all we've ever wanted.
No one wants to spend their entire adulthood in anger...not when there are so many other things that we can and should be doing to enrich the quality of our lives. So as the rich get richer and the poor get poorer, here's the thought that I will leave you with: If I were able to live comfortably and take care of the people that I love in the means that they should be cared for...would that in any way take away from you?
Just a thought.
I wanted to write this because I think that it's important for people to know two things:
1. Not all black men are angry.
2. The ones that are have a reason to be.
I say these two things because I want people to understand that the mythology of the "angry black man" can be dismissed as someone who simply didn't get ahead because he chose not to claim what is his. To someone on the outside, the "angry black man" is only reaping the benefits of his work...or lack there of. The "angry black man" has been typecast as someone that wants a handout...someone that wants the free ride that he thinks his social counterparts have received already and he simply wants his fair share. That may be correct for some, but not for all.
You see, I realize that all I wanted in my life was to not be denied the opportunity to make the best of myself and be all that I can be; and to reap the rewards of my hard work. I thought that if I simply worked hard...perhaps harder than I ever did in my life, my efforts would be rewarded...but who would be rewarding me?
I understand now that my error was repeating the same mistakes over and over yet expecting a different result. Each time I started an entry level position, I began it with the hopes that if I worked hard, I would be rewarded with the recognition for my hard work and loyalty. But as the years passed me by, I realized that the recognition wouldn't come in the form that I thought it would...which is the outcome that was the norm some thirty years ago when hard work and loyalty were rewarded with promotions and raises.
Today, most companies look for a reason not to give you your just due while simultaneously looking for reasons for you to work twice as hard for the same wage. And this is not limited to black men...its to all men. Maybe this is the new norm...but it burns you out, and at some point, you're going to have to look at yourself in the mirror and decide what you want to do with yourself. Hopefully, you make the best decision that works for you.
But the one thing that I want people to understand is that the "angry black man" doesn't want a hand out. He doesn't want things to simply be given to him. That would be too easy. Instead, a man of substance wants to earn his way fairly. He just doesn't want his path blocked or made more difficult than it already has to be.
That had been my logic at one point in time. I don't want you to hand me the gold key...let me reach it on my own; just don't block my way if I get too close to it. Don't tell me that the sky is the limit as long as I should be content to look at it from the basement. That's not right or fair...and fairness is the key because that's all we've ever wanted.
No one wants to spend their entire adulthood in anger...not when there are so many other things that we can and should be doing to enrich the quality of our lives. So as the rich get richer and the poor get poorer, here's the thought that I will leave you with: If I were able to live comfortably and take care of the people that I love in the means that they should be cared for...would that in any way take away from you?
Just a thought.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
When is it okay to forgive?
A quote was made by former president Bill Clinton that sums up who we’ve become as a society. The quote is simple. He states; “We have gone from being a people centered society, to a money centered society”. That resonates with a truth that cannot be ignored. We live in a society where trust seems to have gone the way of the milkman, general stores and penny candy. But just as trust has fallen by the wayside, another virtue has also followed the same path. We are living in an era where grudges are easily held. Anger over a misinterpreted word or action is allowed to fester instead of being addressed. Valued friendships are compromised; relationships altered and family bonds are shattered because of something that someone may have done or said.
We have a tendency to hold onto past hurts almost as if it were something of value; something that we claim instead of letting go of. And most times, the reasoning is we want to prevent the actions or words of another from being repeated. If the offense is grave, we will go to great lengths to remember what was done, living in the shadow of words and actions that may have shattered our psyche and peace of mind. And when this happens, we fail to realize that whoever perpetrated the offense is off living their life; most times not giving you any thought; not because they aren’t aware of what they’ve said or done. Most people aren’t stupid. Many folks know when they’ve hurt someone else whether it’s been done purposefully or not. Most people are surrounded by friends and associates that if made aware of the offense, will actually tell the individual what they’ve done. It is up to that individual to take action and do whatever it takes to right the wrong. And some people will…and some people won’t.
The challenge seems to be what to do when someone tries to make amends for the wrong they’ve done. Exactly when is it okay to forgive? Is it based upon the relationship that you have with the offender? Is it easier to forgive a parent, sibling or spouse versus a friend, acquaintance or distant relative? Do you forgive based on the gravity of the offense? Is it easier to forgive someone who gossips about you versus someone that rejects your love? Only you can answer that question.
Oprah Winfrey broadcast a show where she discussed this very topic. She stated that she had been out with a friend of hers one afternoon when she saw someone that had wronged her. She watched as the individual laughed while her stomach did somersaults. She was so consumed with anger at what they had either done or said that she couldn’t see straight; and then it slowly dawned upon her that the only person that was upset in this scenario was her. The other person was laughing having a wonderful afternoon…going into a jewelry store of all places! The other person had probably not given her any thought since the incident in question. Whether right or wrong, the person had elected to go on with their lives while Oprah remained in a state of anger. It was in that moment that she decided to forgive the individual, and once she had done so, the power that the offending party once had over her dissipated.
Many people think that forgiving someone that wronged them is for the other person, but it really isn’t. Forgiving someone who has hurt you is for you because what you are doing is giving yourself the gift of freedom. That person cannot hurt you anymore. If that person never comes to you to ask for forgiveness, it’s okay because you’ve already unshackled yourself in a manner of speaking. Most people need to hear the “I’m sorry” before they can forgive, but one thing that you need to understand if you haven’t already is that everyone isn’t necessarily capable of acknowledging when they hurt you. In fact, some people may legitimately not be aware that they have wronged you in any way, shape or form. Some people may not be able to understand that they’ve wronged you, and no matter what you or anyone else says, they will hold onto to their perception of innocence because they are simply hard-wired to do so.
No matter who you’re dealing with, you have a choice; because life is in part all about the choices you make. You can choose to be upset for the rest of the day, week, month, year or years; or you can make the conscious choice to forgive the person that hurt you. And what about forgiving but not forgetting? Is that just another way of not forgiving the person? That’s a good question, but the simple truth of the matter is that if you find yourself constantly reliving the offense in the guise of not forgetting, then you really haven’t forgiven them. It’s okay to remember, but it’s not okay to fixate on the offense so much and so often that you wind up becoming upset all over again.
Now when should you forgive someone and why? Well we know the why, but what about the when? Who is entitled to forgiveness? What offenses warrant forgiveness and are there instances where it is okay to hold a grudge? What happens when a husband cheats on his wife? What happens when someone takes a life? What happens when your very faith in humanity is put to the test? What happens then?
Forgiveness isn’t easy. In fact, forgiveness at times can be the hardest thing that you can do. And it doesn’t end with simply forgiving the person that has hurt you. Sometimes, you may have to forgive them for the same thing repeatedly. That is called “walking in” forgiveness.
There will come a time when you will walk in those steps and you will fall. Your anger may come back with a vengeance. You may feel comfortable in just being angry at the person; and if that works for you, that’s okay. Just remember that forgiveness is a gift that you are deserving of. It’s all a part of loving yourself. No one has the right to take away your sense of self-worth or well-being. You have the right to walk upright and you also have the right to feel good, each and every day.
So here’s the question that only you can answer for you: When is it truly okay for you to forgive?
We have a tendency to hold onto past hurts almost as if it were something of value; something that we claim instead of letting go of. And most times, the reasoning is we want to prevent the actions or words of another from being repeated. If the offense is grave, we will go to great lengths to remember what was done, living in the shadow of words and actions that may have shattered our psyche and peace of mind. And when this happens, we fail to realize that whoever perpetrated the offense is off living their life; most times not giving you any thought; not because they aren’t aware of what they’ve said or done. Most people aren’t stupid. Many folks know when they’ve hurt someone else whether it’s been done purposefully or not. Most people are surrounded by friends and associates that if made aware of the offense, will actually tell the individual what they’ve done. It is up to that individual to take action and do whatever it takes to right the wrong. And some people will…and some people won’t.
The challenge seems to be what to do when someone tries to make amends for the wrong they’ve done. Exactly when is it okay to forgive? Is it based upon the relationship that you have with the offender? Is it easier to forgive a parent, sibling or spouse versus a friend, acquaintance or distant relative? Do you forgive based on the gravity of the offense? Is it easier to forgive someone who gossips about you versus someone that rejects your love? Only you can answer that question.
Oprah Winfrey broadcast a show where she discussed this very topic. She stated that she had been out with a friend of hers one afternoon when she saw someone that had wronged her. She watched as the individual laughed while her stomach did somersaults. She was so consumed with anger at what they had either done or said that she couldn’t see straight; and then it slowly dawned upon her that the only person that was upset in this scenario was her. The other person was laughing having a wonderful afternoon…going into a jewelry store of all places! The other person had probably not given her any thought since the incident in question. Whether right or wrong, the person had elected to go on with their lives while Oprah remained in a state of anger. It was in that moment that she decided to forgive the individual, and once she had done so, the power that the offending party once had over her dissipated.
Many people think that forgiving someone that wronged them is for the other person, but it really isn’t. Forgiving someone who has hurt you is for you because what you are doing is giving yourself the gift of freedom. That person cannot hurt you anymore. If that person never comes to you to ask for forgiveness, it’s okay because you’ve already unshackled yourself in a manner of speaking. Most people need to hear the “I’m sorry” before they can forgive, but one thing that you need to understand if you haven’t already is that everyone isn’t necessarily capable of acknowledging when they hurt you. In fact, some people may legitimately not be aware that they have wronged you in any way, shape or form. Some people may not be able to understand that they’ve wronged you, and no matter what you or anyone else says, they will hold onto to their perception of innocence because they are simply hard-wired to do so.
No matter who you’re dealing with, you have a choice; because life is in part all about the choices you make. You can choose to be upset for the rest of the day, week, month, year or years; or you can make the conscious choice to forgive the person that hurt you. And what about forgiving but not forgetting? Is that just another way of not forgiving the person? That’s a good question, but the simple truth of the matter is that if you find yourself constantly reliving the offense in the guise of not forgetting, then you really haven’t forgiven them. It’s okay to remember, but it’s not okay to fixate on the offense so much and so often that you wind up becoming upset all over again.
Now when should you forgive someone and why? Well we know the why, but what about the when? Who is entitled to forgiveness? What offenses warrant forgiveness and are there instances where it is okay to hold a grudge? What happens when a husband cheats on his wife? What happens when someone takes a life? What happens when your very faith in humanity is put to the test? What happens then?
Forgiveness isn’t easy. In fact, forgiveness at times can be the hardest thing that you can do. And it doesn’t end with simply forgiving the person that has hurt you. Sometimes, you may have to forgive them for the same thing repeatedly. That is called “walking in” forgiveness.
There will come a time when you will walk in those steps and you will fall. Your anger may come back with a vengeance. You may feel comfortable in just being angry at the person; and if that works for you, that’s okay. Just remember that forgiveness is a gift that you are deserving of. It’s all a part of loving yourself. No one has the right to take away your sense of self-worth or well-being. You have the right to walk upright and you also have the right to feel good, each and every day.
So here’s the question that only you can answer for you: When is it truly okay for you to forgive?
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Office Meeting
Office Meeting
Jai sat behind his desk, drumming his fingers lightly on the
surface. He had called Taylor and was a little disappointed that his
call went directly into her voicemail. He wished that he had been
able to get a hold of her so he could bounce the idea of what would
be the best way to approach Nate about his involvement with the
dealing going on in North Philly. The only piece of evidence that
Matt Prescott had was a single picture of Nate on the scene with a
package in his hand. It was nothing incriminating. Suspicious?
Yes, but not incriminating. It placed him in the area and that was it.
Unless Prescott knew something he didnʼt. Tim seemed to know
Prescott well. Maybe Tim could tell him if Prescott was a standup
kind of guy or if he was a cop always kept an ace for himself in the
card deck of life. Jai was almost certain that he was the latter.
He leaned back in his chair when his phone began to ring.
Hoping that it was Taylor, he reached for the handset.
“Yeah?”
“Jai?” The female voice asked.
“Yeah?”
“Itʼs Sylvia. I have someone out here in the lobby to see you.
He says that heʼs your brother. Nathaniel Whitfield?”
Nate? It took a moment for it to register. Jai sat up in his
chair. “Send him in Sylvia. Thanks.”
“Not a problem.” She chirped.
Now what would Nate want with him? He guessed that he
didnʼt have to ask Taylor for any input on this issue. In a few
minutes, he would have the answers that he wanted, even if he
didnʼt like them all. Nate entered his office thirty seconds later,
appearing a little disheveled despite his fine, expensive clothes.
He didnʼt say a word as Nate stepped in and closed his office door
behind him.
“Have a seat.” Jai gestured to one of the two leather armchairs
facing his desk.
Nate seated himself in one and reached into his jacket pocket
for a cigarette.
“Donʼt smoke in here man.” Jai said a bit too sternly.
Nate paused and looked at Jaiʼs desk. “Then whatʼs the
ashtray for?” He said.
Jai glanced at it for a moment and then back at Nate.
“Thatʼs for clients who smoke. Are you going to employ me?”
Nate shook his head from side to side, mumbling something
that sounded like “this muthafucka” to himself and tucked the pack
of cigarettes back into his jacket.
“Whatʼs on your mind?” Jai asked.
“Damn, can you get out your lawyer mode for a minute?” Nate
was agitated. “I need to talk to you about something.”
“Good, because I need to talk to you about something too.
You go first.”
Nate swallowed for a second, staring into his brotherʼs eyes.
“Is Tim Walsh your boss?” Nate began.
“Tim?”
“Yeah. Is he your boss?”
“Heʼs a partner but I wouldnʼt exactly call him my boss.”
“You work for him donʼt you?”
“I work for the firm. Heʼs a partner in this firm.”
“Well, then heʼs your boss!” Nate snapped.
Jai took a deep breath. He could feel the tension building in
the room.
“Look, you and Tim need to concentrate on your clients and
leave anything that doesnʼt concern you alone.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You know a cop called Matt Prescott?”
“Weʼve met.”
“You need to leave him alone.”
“And since when did you become an authority on what I
need?” Jai suddenly felt he wouldnʼt have to approach Nate about
his possible dealing. He would have all of his answers he needed
without opening his mouth.
“Look, this cop ainʼt no good. Heʼs gonna wind up getting you
and Tim killed.”
“How so?”
“Canʼt you just back out of this like I asked you without asking
any questions?”
“No. No I canʼt. Iʼm a lawyer. Iʼm nosey for a living.” Jai sat
up in his chair.
“You need to leave him alone Jai. Seriously man. No bullshit.”
“Why donʼt you start by telling me what youʼre into?”
“Iʼm handlinʼ my business!” Nate replied defensively. “I just
want you to leave this Prescott person alone before somethinʼ bad
happens.”
“Why?”
“Leave it alone Jai. You donʼt want none of that. Just leave it
alone and everyone will be okay.”
Jai glanced out of his office window. He knew that if he were
going to get any kind of direct and honest answer, he was going to
have to play the family card.
“Do you remember when we were younger Nate? When Ryan,
you and I used to go to the matinee on Sundays? Mom would give
us money so that we could head up to the Esquire at Broad and
Olney. That was before the invasion of the mall theatres. We used
to split the biggest tub of popcorn and I would get the Milkduds, you
would get the Raisinets and Ryan would get the Sugarbabies.
Back then we used to just hang out and talk and laugh. We used to
do a lot of laughing.”
Jai turned to look at Nate who was sitting quietly in his seat.
“Whatever happened to that man?” Jai asked softly.
“Shit happens.” Nate responded. “Life happens.”
“But we used to be so close man. We used to laugh all the
time. And then one day, we stopped laughing.”
“Daddy died.”
“But we didnʼt.”
“Look, donʼt take me down memory lane, just leave Prescott
alone awwʼiight?”
“What are you into Nate? Are you into something that you
canʼt get out of? Are you in over your head?”
“Iʼm fine!” Nate stood abruptly.
“Because if you are into something bad, we can get you out.
I would go to the mat for you man! You know that!”
“Iʼm not into anything that I canʼt handle.” Nate turned to
leave.
“Are you dealing drugs?” Jai blurted it out before he realized
that he had.
Nateʼs back stiffened.
“No, Iʼm not dealing.” Nate said, as he turned toward Jai. “Iʼm
not dealing drugs.”
“You can tell me anything man. You know that?”
“No, I donʼt know that.”
“Well, if you donʼt then Iʼm telling you.” Jai stood up. “Prescott
showed me a picture of you with some kind of package in your
hand down in North Philly. He wants to nail you so please, tell me
how deep you are into this drug thing man. If youʼre not dealing,
are you using?”
“Itʼs a bit late for you to be playing big brother, ainʼt it?”
Jai took a deep breath. “No. Itʼs never too late. Just like itʼs
never too late to tell someone that you love them.”
“Unless theyʼre dead.”
“But youʼre not…and, I can still tell you.” He walked around his
desk. “I love you man and if you need me for anything…. Just
please donʼt close the door on us.”
“I didnʼt close the door on us to begin with.” Nate said dryly as
he started toward the office door.
“What are you talking about?”
“You fuckinʼ left me!” He whirled on him, shouting at Jai from
the top of his lungs. “You left me man! None of yaʼll were there for
me because you were too busy doinʼ you!”
“What in the hell are you talking about?” Jai asked, surprised
by the sudden outburst until he caught the look of hurt and anger in
Nateʼs eyes. Something was there but it was out of reach.
“Just leave Prescott the fuck alone Jai. You, Joshua and
Taylor will be so much better off if you just leave that cop alone.”
Jai shook his head, approached his brother and placed a hand
on his shoulder. To his surprise, he found that Nate was trembling.
“We can get through this Nate. But youʼve got to trust me. We
can do anything. Remember? Three Musketeers?”
Nate raised his arm and brushed Jaiʼs hand from his shoulder.
“Just leave Prescott alone.”
“Iʼll leave him alone if you talk to me. I swear to God that I
wonʼt talk to him ever again if you promise to come by and talk to
me.”
Nate inhaled deeply.
“You always had the Raisinets. Iʼll never forget that.” He
looked at Nateʼs face. It looked like a jigsaw puzzle struggling to
put the pieces that didnʼt fit into place.
“You leave Prescott alone. Iʼll come by and we can talk.”
“When?”
“Let me call you.”
Jai looked at his brotherʼs face, into his eyes and saw that they
were becoming misty. “Call me tonight, okay?” Jai placed his hand
on his brotherʼs shoulder once again.
Nate nodded and started toward the door before another word
could be said. He was out the door and down the hall in a flash.
Jai turned toward his desk, hoping that Nate would be a man
of his word. As he sat down in his chair, he thought about the
Sunday afternoons that he, Ryan and Nate used to spend at the
movies and his heart began to ache with nostalgia. That had been
a completely different era. There was no crack, no drive by
shootings, no one came to school with guns to kill their classmates.
That was a time that he was fortunate enough to have experienced.
He remembered trick or treating at Halloween, the birthday parties
that Thandi used to throw them. He thought even more and
remembered the good old days. He remembered the neighborhood
girls playing double-dutch and he remembered when the chalk
outlines on the street were for hopscotch instead of bodies. What
ever happened to that? What happened to dodge ball, wall ball
and playing touch football - the boys against the girls. And if any
boy had the ball, the girls would catch him and beat him up. What
happened to the late show and the late, late show? What
happened to the shoe shine kit he used to have? What happened
to games like Freeze Tag, One-Two-Three Redlight, Mother, May I
and Hide and Go Seek?
Damn.
Jai sat behind his desk, drumming his fingers lightly on the
surface. He had called Taylor and was a little disappointed that his
call went directly into her voicemail. He wished that he had been
able to get a hold of her so he could bounce the idea of what would
be the best way to approach Nate about his involvement with the
dealing going on in North Philly. The only piece of evidence that
Matt Prescott had was a single picture of Nate on the scene with a
package in his hand. It was nothing incriminating. Suspicious?
Yes, but not incriminating. It placed him in the area and that was it.
Unless Prescott knew something he didnʼt. Tim seemed to know
Prescott well. Maybe Tim could tell him if Prescott was a standup
kind of guy or if he was a cop always kept an ace for himself in the
card deck of life. Jai was almost certain that he was the latter.
He leaned back in his chair when his phone began to ring.
Hoping that it was Taylor, he reached for the handset.
“Yeah?”
“Jai?” The female voice asked.
“Yeah?”
“Itʼs Sylvia. I have someone out here in the lobby to see you.
He says that heʼs your brother. Nathaniel Whitfield?”
Nate? It took a moment for it to register. Jai sat up in his
chair. “Send him in Sylvia. Thanks.”
“Not a problem.” She chirped.
Now what would Nate want with him? He guessed that he
didnʼt have to ask Taylor for any input on this issue. In a few
minutes, he would have the answers that he wanted, even if he
didnʼt like them all. Nate entered his office thirty seconds later,
appearing a little disheveled despite his fine, expensive clothes.
He didnʼt say a word as Nate stepped in and closed his office door
behind him.
“Have a seat.” Jai gestured to one of the two leather armchairs
facing his desk.
Nate seated himself in one and reached into his jacket pocket
for a cigarette.
“Donʼt smoke in here man.” Jai said a bit too sternly.
Nate paused and looked at Jaiʼs desk. “Then whatʼs the
ashtray for?” He said.
Jai glanced at it for a moment and then back at Nate.
“Thatʼs for clients who smoke. Are you going to employ me?”
Nate shook his head from side to side, mumbling something
that sounded like “this muthafucka” to himself and tucked the pack
of cigarettes back into his jacket.
“Whatʼs on your mind?” Jai asked.
“Damn, can you get out your lawyer mode for a minute?” Nate
was agitated. “I need to talk to you about something.”
“Good, because I need to talk to you about something too.
You go first.”
Nate swallowed for a second, staring into his brotherʼs eyes.
“Is Tim Walsh your boss?” Nate began.
“Tim?”
“Yeah. Is he your boss?”
“Heʼs a partner but I wouldnʼt exactly call him my boss.”
“You work for him donʼt you?”
“I work for the firm. Heʼs a partner in this firm.”
“Well, then heʼs your boss!” Nate snapped.
Jai took a deep breath. He could feel the tension building in
the room.
“Look, you and Tim need to concentrate on your clients and
leave anything that doesnʼt concern you alone.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You know a cop called Matt Prescott?”
“Weʼve met.”
“You need to leave him alone.”
“And since when did you become an authority on what I
need?” Jai suddenly felt he wouldnʼt have to approach Nate about
his possible dealing. He would have all of his answers he needed
without opening his mouth.
“Look, this cop ainʼt no good. Heʼs gonna wind up getting you
and Tim killed.”
“How so?”
“Canʼt you just back out of this like I asked you without asking
any questions?”
“No. No I canʼt. Iʼm a lawyer. Iʼm nosey for a living.” Jai sat
up in his chair.
“You need to leave him alone Jai. Seriously man. No bullshit.”
“Why donʼt you start by telling me what youʼre into?”
“Iʼm handlinʼ my business!” Nate replied defensively. “I just
want you to leave this Prescott person alone before somethinʼ bad
happens.”
“Why?”
“Leave it alone Jai. You donʼt want none of that. Just leave it
alone and everyone will be okay.”
Jai glanced out of his office window. He knew that if he were
going to get any kind of direct and honest answer, he was going to
have to play the family card.
“Do you remember when we were younger Nate? When Ryan,
you and I used to go to the matinee on Sundays? Mom would give
us money so that we could head up to the Esquire at Broad and
Olney. That was before the invasion of the mall theatres. We used
to split the biggest tub of popcorn and I would get the Milkduds, you
would get the Raisinets and Ryan would get the Sugarbabies.
Back then we used to just hang out and talk and laugh. We used to
do a lot of laughing.”
Jai turned to look at Nate who was sitting quietly in his seat.
“Whatever happened to that man?” Jai asked softly.
“Shit happens.” Nate responded. “Life happens.”
“But we used to be so close man. We used to laugh all the
time. And then one day, we stopped laughing.”
“Daddy died.”
“But we didnʼt.”
“Look, donʼt take me down memory lane, just leave Prescott
alone awwʼiight?”
“What are you into Nate? Are you into something that you
canʼt get out of? Are you in over your head?”
“Iʼm fine!” Nate stood abruptly.
“Because if you are into something bad, we can get you out.
I would go to the mat for you man! You know that!”
“Iʼm not into anything that I canʼt handle.” Nate turned to
leave.
“Are you dealing drugs?” Jai blurted it out before he realized
that he had.
Nateʼs back stiffened.
“No, Iʼm not dealing.” Nate said, as he turned toward Jai. “Iʼm
not dealing drugs.”
“You can tell me anything man. You know that?”
“No, I donʼt know that.”
“Well, if you donʼt then Iʼm telling you.” Jai stood up. “Prescott
showed me a picture of you with some kind of package in your
hand down in North Philly. He wants to nail you so please, tell me
how deep you are into this drug thing man. If youʼre not dealing,
are you using?”
“Itʼs a bit late for you to be playing big brother, ainʼt it?”
Jai took a deep breath. “No. Itʼs never too late. Just like itʼs
never too late to tell someone that you love them.”
“Unless theyʼre dead.”
“But youʼre not…and, I can still tell you.” He walked around his
desk. “I love you man and if you need me for anything…. Just
please donʼt close the door on us.”
“I didnʼt close the door on us to begin with.” Nate said dryly as
he started toward the office door.
“What are you talking about?”
“You fuckinʼ left me!” He whirled on him, shouting at Jai from
the top of his lungs. “You left me man! None of yaʼll were there for
me because you were too busy doinʼ you!”
“What in the hell are you talking about?” Jai asked, surprised
by the sudden outburst until he caught the look of hurt and anger in
Nateʼs eyes. Something was there but it was out of reach.
“Just leave Prescott the fuck alone Jai. You, Joshua and
Taylor will be so much better off if you just leave that cop alone.”
Jai shook his head, approached his brother and placed a hand
on his shoulder. To his surprise, he found that Nate was trembling.
“We can get through this Nate. But youʼve got to trust me. We
can do anything. Remember? Three Musketeers?”
Nate raised his arm and brushed Jaiʼs hand from his shoulder.
“Just leave Prescott alone.”
“Iʼll leave him alone if you talk to me. I swear to God that I
wonʼt talk to him ever again if you promise to come by and talk to
me.”
Nate inhaled deeply.
“You always had the Raisinets. Iʼll never forget that.” He
looked at Nateʼs face. It looked like a jigsaw puzzle struggling to
put the pieces that didnʼt fit into place.
“You leave Prescott alone. Iʼll come by and we can talk.”
“When?”
“Let me call you.”
Jai looked at his brotherʼs face, into his eyes and saw that they
were becoming misty. “Call me tonight, okay?” Jai placed his hand
on his brotherʼs shoulder once again.
Nate nodded and started toward the door before another word
could be said. He was out the door and down the hall in a flash.
Jai turned toward his desk, hoping that Nate would be a man
of his word. As he sat down in his chair, he thought about the
Sunday afternoons that he, Ryan and Nate used to spend at the
movies and his heart began to ache with nostalgia. That had been
a completely different era. There was no crack, no drive by
shootings, no one came to school with guns to kill their classmates.
That was a time that he was fortunate enough to have experienced.
He remembered trick or treating at Halloween, the birthday parties
that Thandi used to throw them. He thought even more and
remembered the good old days. He remembered the neighborhood
girls playing double-dutch and he remembered when the chalk
outlines on the street were for hopscotch instead of bodies. What
ever happened to that? What happened to dodge ball, wall ball
and playing touch football - the boys against the girls. And if any
boy had the ball, the girls would catch him and beat him up. What
happened to the late show and the late, late show? What
happened to the shoe shine kit he used to have? What happened
to games like Freeze Tag, One-Two-Three Redlight, Mother, May I
and Hide and Go Seek?
Damn.
When family is all you have...is that enough?
Coming from a family of boys has its upside and downsides. It seems like everything is great when there is peace and harmony, but when there is chaos and anger...well, let's just say that it can seem like the end of the world as you know it.
As I talk to the people that I meet about family, the responses that I get range from full head-on agreement to a cursory nod. I know that everyone doesn't share the same sentiment that I do because their circumstances may be somewhat different. Some may even think that I may be rubbing my good fortune of having siblings that love and care about me in their face, and it may cause resentment.
Still, it's for that very reason that I wrote about three brothers whose personalities are so different from one another. Brothers don't always agree. Brothers fight. Brothers may even say or do the most hateful things to make you leave them. But that's with any family dynamic. We say things to hurt one another. We do things to alienate each other...sometimes purposely, sometimes not.
Well, sometimes when the chips are down, family may be all you have. For some of you reading this, it may be of no consolation; to others it may be a saving grace. I thought about this carefully as I wrote this story. I realized that everyone doesn't share my experience of having a loving family. But if I had that experience, then maybe others had it too. And if they did, then maybe they can relate to the characters in this story.
Nate is the youngest of the three brothers who has managed to ascend to one of he highest ranking position in a drug distribution gang set up in a notorious neighborhood called, "The Block". His oldest brother, Jai, is a successful attorney in one of Philadelphia's top law firms. Jai's boss has come to him with some information that he received from a police detective by the name of Matt Prescott that incriminates Nate. But we all know that things are never as they seem.
So what happens when family is all you have? Would that be enough? Sadly for some of us, it is never enough because we may live in a place where family has hurt and disappointed us repeatedly. There is nothing that they can say to right the wrongs. But what would happen if those same people put aside their differences for just a moment and remember the good times? Would that be enough to open the heart and mind to accept help if indeed help is needed? Could you go back in time to a place where hardships consisted of not having enough but knowing that you'll make it because your siblings were there with you? Is it enough?
As I talk to the people that I meet about family, the responses that I get range from full head-on agreement to a cursory nod. I know that everyone doesn't share the same sentiment that I do because their circumstances may be somewhat different. Some may even think that I may be rubbing my good fortune of having siblings that love and care about me in their face, and it may cause resentment.
Still, it's for that very reason that I wrote about three brothers whose personalities are so different from one another. Brothers don't always agree. Brothers fight. Brothers may even say or do the most hateful things to make you leave them. But that's with any family dynamic. We say things to hurt one another. We do things to alienate each other...sometimes purposely, sometimes not.
Well, sometimes when the chips are down, family may be all you have. For some of you reading this, it may be of no consolation; to others it may be a saving grace. I thought about this carefully as I wrote this story. I realized that everyone doesn't share my experience of having a loving family. But if I had that experience, then maybe others had it too. And if they did, then maybe they can relate to the characters in this story.
Nate is the youngest of the three brothers who has managed to ascend to one of he highest ranking position in a drug distribution gang set up in a notorious neighborhood called, "The Block". His oldest brother, Jai, is a successful attorney in one of Philadelphia's top law firms. Jai's boss has come to him with some information that he received from a police detective by the name of Matt Prescott that incriminates Nate. But we all know that things are never as they seem.
So what happens when family is all you have? Would that be enough? Sadly for some of us, it is never enough because we may live in a place where family has hurt and disappointed us repeatedly. There is nothing that they can say to right the wrongs. But what would happen if those same people put aside their differences for just a moment and remember the good times? Would that be enough to open the heart and mind to accept help if indeed help is needed? Could you go back in time to a place where hardships consisted of not having enough but knowing that you'll make it because your siblings were there with you? Is it enough?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)